The ALWAYS Gone Girl
Updated: Jul 6
"I Will Embrace Freedom"
I always wanted to be free. From as early as I could remember I always felt like a bird in a cage; strange, attractive, intriguing to others, but never free to fly far from them, as they needed me for whatever their purpose. I was smarter than the other children, observant, bright. This lead to standing out in a way that made me feel so caged in I couldn't breathe. "Ask her, she knows", "Don't worry aunt so and so, your daughter will pass that college english class, we will have your niece write it" ( I was in third grade at the time, and yes, she did pass). "Look at her, damn she fine, ass for days, I want her." (never, wow she's beautiful, I want to LOVE, RESPECT and CHERISH her), no never that. I was black, beautiful, superiorly intelligent, witty and fun, and I hated everything about my life and my own existence. I wanted to get away from parents who made sure to prove they knew discipline, anger, stone-walling, disrespect and the art of emotional abuse, however at the time, they had sorely missed the gentle, affectionate, nurturing part of the parenting manual. I wanted to be free of the expectations of my peers on the Eastside of Detroit, because I wasn't hood enough, god-fearing enough, or poor enough, to belong to them; but they loved to have me around when the bill came, when some fine guys were around and they needed the alley-oop from the uninterested fine friend or when they generally needed advice and life improvement support. I wanted to be free of the world's expectations of what an excellent black women must be-- ever vigilant, always calm, polite, respectful, not too smart because we wouldn't want to offend the "higher ups", but make sure to prove your value because you don't want to be seen as a "diversity" hire. I wanted to be all of the things, OUT LOUD, that the world told me I couldn't be as a black women growing up in the "land of liberty"-- loud, messy, light hearted, positive, joyous, bi-sexual, non-traditional, spiritual instead of christian or muslim, believing in me more than any bible verse or person, anywhere, ever, a world-traveler, an artist, leader, world-changer and anything else that I deemed true to me. I was existing in a life that many do, living for the approval, love and support of others, suppressing my true desires and dreams, while dealing with the reality of surviving with no help or support in this life that I could trust beyond my grandmother; being beaten down by those who claimed to love me because subconsciously or consciously they wanted to destroy the very light they were so attracted to and actively benefitting from. When depression reached its height, and I felt I couldn't bear anymore tests and trials, and my third suicide attempt after the tragic death of my little sister was unsuccessful, I decided that a change had to be made. I couldn't spend my life in the high functioning, degree earning, kindness doling, laughing instead of crying state of devastation I was existing in. I decided that my pain could no longer be hidden and that the truth of who I wanted to be lie in my ability to face the darkness and come out clean. I would not let life destroy my light, I was going to set it ablaze hotter than the sun. All of those dreams of escape, the multiple times that I moved states after leaving my hometown for college, came down to one very specific moment in 2020, following a severe leg injury that landed me on bedrest for almost a year in 2019, where I had to learn to walk all over again, only to be hit with an insane bout of Covid 19 and the additional year inside we all experienced. I was reeling. I had no idea who I was anymore, but in a tearful moment of clarity, sitting on my bed next to the man I was supposed to marry, I knew. I knew I couldn't stay in the cage, and every feather thatI lost leaving was one that I would have to do without, otherwise I was going to destroy myself. I broke up with him that day. I told him I needed to figure me out, heal myself and be who I should be for me; he deserved someone who could give him their all, and I deserved someone who liked the real me, not the version I became to make them happy. I was done pleasing everyone else, and I was focused on re-writing my truths, and finding out who I really was when I wasn't being their perfect bird in a cage, or society's "model black girl". I knew I was a bird, I sing like one, I love to fly, but I was never meant for their golden cage. I knew that even my chosen freedom would come with consequence. I lost every so called "friend" and romantic companion I had, I have spent years full of nights alone, crying, pleading, begging the universe to help me heal the anger, fear, trauma, and anxiety; the voices that told me I wasn't good enough, wasn't working hard enough, that I was crazy and I would always be alone; that the genius that lives inside me and could impact the world would never be birthed into reality as I traveled the globe and saw the truth of other people's reality. I learned that what I was able to do with my own healing was useful to many others, regardless of language and cultural differences. Despite the pain of growth, for me it was life or death. Just days after that break up, I took my first solo trip to Dominican Republic, with the very specific mission of finding out my true name through offerings and prayers celebrating the African Yoruba traditions. My first given name always felt wrong. I had been asking about how I got it and to change it since I was old enough to talk, and the unfortunate truth that I knew but couldn't name was that it was just like everything they did for me, thoughtless, matter of fact, last minute and never based on true affection or care. After my ceremony and a week in DR, my life was never the same. I wasn't reborn, I was revealed. Now, six years and 20+ countries later, I'm known as the "always gone girl". People ask me "where are you now?" "What time is it there", "When you coming home?". I just smile and say, "I'm already home", because my home is anywhere I am. I'm a global citizen, but most importantly, I'm the REAL me, I'm Royalty. It's not just my name, my REAL name, it will be my legacy. Healing and becoming your true self isn't easy, but I guarantee its worth it.
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